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Medieval Times/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW (applause) thank you very much. My wife dragged me to the possum lake little theatre. They were doing "camelot". It's smart to do a musical. While you're sitting there thinking they can't sing, you forget they can't act. "camelot", I love that! ♪ camelot ♪ ♪ I know it may sound a bit bizarre ♪ you don't just sound bizarre, harold. But you know, while I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, in a way possum lodge is kind of our camelot. Wouldn't it be great to dress up as knights of the round table and force people to become christians? Yeah, yeah, because they wore armour and stuff like that. They had, like, chain mail. I got a chain letter once, but that's a lot different. Just ignore him. It's not rude. It's saving his life. Stay tuned and watch middle-aged guys recreate the middle ages. ♪ if ever I would leave you ♪ don't tease me, harold. (geese honking) (quacking) (red): If I have to explain this, we'll be here all evening. We do have edgar montrose trying to hear. I'll lay a little peace sign on buzz sherwood. I'll build a crossbow that puts hair on your chest. Old lady benkman, principal of the school, has offered us their old sports equipment. She's hoping to participate in our medieval day. She wants to play guinevere. She's a light on the guine, but she's heavy on the vere. I don't think used sports equipment is the best idea to represent the middle ages, unless I'm missing something. You're gonna be, harold. How about purple horses? Do you think we could use purple horses at all? Purple horses? The school board has purple horses? That would explain the meat in the cafeteria. That says "pommel horses," uncle red. We could use that. What about this the long pole vault thing? Parallel bars. That's how I sprained my armpits. Yeah. I hate gym. (red): In keeping with our medieval times theme, bill will have a lesson on fencing. Kind of a delicate french thing. Uh-oh! -- Very good. Almost like a ballet. Very, very dignified. Unfortunately, I'm not from France. Here we are with buzz sherwood to play the possum lodge word game. Is this the part where I fill up the shopping cart? No. Today's prize is three bottles of possum hills drinking water and a pair of running shoes. Harold, give me the word. I'll show the folks at home what it says. Buzz, you got 30 seconds to say this word. Let's do it. Uh, harmony. Bad music! Tranquillity. Oo, oo, ah, hiding place! War and... Commission. Commission? The warren commission -- it was such a crock. Oswald couldn't have been alone! Two beers. Closing time! Live long and prosper, mr. Spock. What does the minister say to you? Adultery is a sin. Remember about a month ago, the cops pulled you over. What did they say? You can call flying your plane through a mall freedom of expression, but we call that disturbing the peace. That's the one! ♪ life is like a river ♪ ♪ it winds and ebbs and flows ♪ ♪ it carries you along for quite awhile ♪ ♪ then it shoots water up your nose ♪ ♪ life is like a river ♪ ♪ nothing scheduled ♪ ♪ nothing planned ♪ ♪ you cruise along as far as you can ♪ ♪ and at the end you're probably dammed ♪ with the lodge into a middle-ages frame of mind, I'll take handyman corner and build something appropriate for the age of chivalry. Remember that show "robin hood"? You know what I loved? The way they'd send messages by attaching them to an arrow and shooting them into a tree or a peasant's back. Why don't we use that technology to send packages through the woods? Sort of a courier de bois. If that makes you blanch, then maybe you're a blanche dubois. Or a t.V. Critic. First thing you need is a pole vault pole to use as your bow. I got this from the possum lake school, but you can get one for free by standing next to the pole vault event. As the guy goes over, he'll let go of the pole. You'll be miles away by the time he ces to, when he lands on the ground, 'cause the cushion got moved, you know, by somebody. You'll need some kind of a bow string. You could use a rope or a garden hose. But I suggest fan belts out of your car. Or better yet, fan belts from your friends' cars. Sure, they'll be ticked when their cars are boiling over all the time. But vehicles don't belong in the middle ages, except maybe buster's edsel. We'll need an arrow for this rig. I suggest a shovel, especially if you'll be sending government documents. I know what you're thinking. "how will one guy be able to work this huge bow and arrow all by himself? Well, that's a little surprise I've been saving for you. I'm not just building a bow. (squeaking) I'm building a crossbow. Now, with a boat trailer, you get the perfect angle for launching. With her mounted on wheels, you have the full 390 degree range for aiming. Now, what you do is get yourself a piece of rope, tie it to the bow line, and then just hook your winch right on there. And crank her back. (humming) (groaning) there we go. We have to adapt the handle so that she'll hook onto the bow line. Just pull that out. No, no. We've got to attach something to the shovel to carry the parcels. You could use a lunch pail, a bread box. I prefer a bedpan. It's light, aerodynamic, and it prepares the receiver for bad news. No news is good news. All right, just going to aim this up to braxton's marina, 'cause I've got this electronic ignition that I have to return or pay for it. Now, to send our package, all I have to do is cut the twine. You could tie a spool of thread onto the shovel and you could trace your package. There we have it. The possum lake medieval courier service, when it absolutely has to get there over water. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, and I'm guessing they don't, they should at least find you handy. Fore! (crashing) sorry! Ah. (red): Be there when ranger gord discovers another phobia. Sometime you'll be at a social function when one or two younger women will start flirting with you. They'll pat your bald head, laugh at your corny jokes, maybe playfully sit in your lap or get you on the dance floor. Make you feel alive? Make you feel like a pistol again? Well, congratulations. You are officially an old geezer. (laughing) yeah, you. I'm talking to you. That's the first sign. Those women are fawning you because they think it's cute to see someone your age doing the frug. Think of who else was there. A bunch of young guys with testosterone in their eyes, and one thing on their mind. Whereas you are old and fun and safe. It's not bad being an old geezer. Did you have fun? Did you enjoy being the centre of attention? Sure you did. While you're rubbing liniment into your joints, you've got the memory. I'm pulling for you 'cause we're in this together, you old geezer! (applause) on behalf of our viewers and mankind in general, what the heck are you doing here, ranger gord? Here's my idea. After a rain, the fire danger is low. So I'm building a sprinkler system for the forest. A sprinkler system in the forest. It's mandatory in most buildings, why shouldn't it be in the forest. I'm drilling out these old branches to use as pipes to carry the water along. I'm using pine cones as sprinklers. Gord, did you ever think there's a time limit on how long a person should be a forest ranger? No, no way. Not from me, red, because as smokey the bear once said, "only you can prevent forest fires." he said that to me one day. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was in the basement. I turned on my 26-inch admiral and there was smokey the bear, looked me straight in the eye and said "only you can prevent forest fires." I said, "yes, sir." it might have been a burden to lay on a 9 year old, especially since I didn't want to prevent forest fires. I wanted to study medicine. But when a bear sends a personal message to you, you'd better darn well listen. Gord, I think that's more of a slogan, actually. Sorry, what? Smokey the bear said "only you can prevent forest fires" in every commercial he ever did. It was his schtick. So it wasn't a message to me? Oh, gosh no. No, no. What, what? I could have studied medicine. Yeah, uh... All right. You know, gord, wait a minute. Come on back. Think about it this way. You're saving a lot more lives as a forest ranger than you ever would have as a doctor. But I haven't saved a single life here. But you're still ahead. Yeah. This medieval day is turning into the most educational event we've ever had at possum lodge, which isn't all that hard. Where's your armour? The paint's drying. Those hockey pads really soak up the primer. I hope the horses aren't hurt. We're not using horses. We bolted pommel horses to k-cars. Horses were good enough for knights of the round table. We need more horsepower. The wives are doing up a groaning board, but, nobody knows what that is. Oh yeah, it's a groaning board. Sure, I know, yeah. It's a board and it groans. You got a groaning and a board. It's a groaning board. As I say, nobody knows what that is. I figure anything that uses food and involves the word "groaning" sounds good. I never thought history was this exciting. I thought history was just dead people. Well, it's early yet. You know, ranger gord, you living, eating and sleeping up in the tower for 16 years, you ever suffer from acrophobia at all? What's that, red? Fear of heights. Heights? Oh no -- I'm not really that high here. What's the matter? Oh, oh. Help me. It's too high. No, no, only 200 to 300 feet. I'm too high. No, you're fine. I'm too high. I'm too high. What's the matter? I'm too high. We're on television. We're on television here. You're crying on my shoe. Yeah. All right, that's fine. When you look back into medieval history, there's a lot of pomp and circumstance. That's what we wanted to recreate. This is a normal way of starting... Of starting a... That would get on your nerves, wouldn't it? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh, yeah. That's my way of throwing down the gauntlet. This sets up a sword fight or a duel of some kind. We used to do more fencing at the lodge before the police crackdown. You get the mask on. That's me behind there. When you hit a guy, you won't hurt him. I put my hat on so I'd know who I was in case I got lost. Bill's got a little beeper on his, too. He actually got the prescription screen. Didn't want to strain his eyes. (creaking) come out of your corner, and dosie-do. For gosh sakes! That is a bit frightening. Now we get into the majesty of it all. All right, see, normally you hold on to the sword. It's a good one on bill. Oh, it's a good one on me, I guess. Oh, well, I got three other wheels. Don't you worry about it, bill. And... Back to the sword fighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, thrust, parry, thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust, ouch. Why don't you run and catch that, bill? Look out, look out. (laughing) the van kind of got back at him. Take the mask off. It's over there. Get that sword. Chasing a sword, that's bright, isn't it? Grab it. You missed it. Oh, you're fine. Oh, you're fine. It's just through your shoe. There's no problem there. At least now I know where bill is. Might as well finish the fight though. (laughing) I love the middle ages. (red): Stay tuned for "jason of the round table". (applause and cheering) (red): Ok, blow me a herald, harold! Pardon me? Blow me a herald, harold! What's a harold harold, uncle red uncle red? You know, the way they would herald the trumpets to bring the king in. Oh, yeah, yeah, ok, ok. (fanfare) here he comes! (applause) (laughing and applause) the old king red, the conqueror. Ha ha! Wow! You look psychotic, uncle red. You saucy-tongued minstrel. I could have you beheaded. That's better than dying of embarrassment -- look at me! That's your own fault, harold. I told you you could be the wizard if you wanted. Wizard? I thought you said whizzer. What's all that talk about the royal wee on the throne? You've come home in the best mood of your life. You walk in and hear those words that make your blood run cold. "we need to talk." men shoot the breeze, men chew the fat. Men don't talk. She wants you to do something else men don't do, share your feelings. Men only have three emotions. Mild anxiety, full-blown panic... I may have miscounted. No, there's the one when you're driving. Primal rage. Whereas women have a huge range of emotions with the subtle gradations of an f.M. Radio dial. If emotions were colours, a woman's emotions would look like that wall of paint chips at the hardware store, with names like misty river green. Whereas men are stuck with rustoleum red and safety yellow. Here's what you do. Don't talk, just listen. Clamp down on the inside of your mouth with your teeth. That gives you a soulful look. It may bring tears to your eyes which you can dab away with your manly fist. Score big points. She'll think you're swimming in a deep well of emotional riches. Whereas you're wading in the shallow end of clueless wonderment. So remember, bide your time. And bite your tongue. Welcome to the expert portion of the show. This week we have excellent experts: My uncle red and his friend, mr. Edgar montrose. (applause) ok, this letter goes as follows. It's from a viewer in madison, wisconsin. Oh, ho, ho. "dear experts, I am restoring a 1963 rambler. "at 2 a.M. Last night "I went into the house for a bandage "and I found a note from my wife "saying that she was leaving me. "her clothes were gone, "and I think she took most of the furniture. "is she kidding "or what? "signed, confused." well, thanks for writing, confused, rather than showing up in person. Ok, now, the hardest thing about these situations is getting rid of the stove. Mr. Montrose, this gentleman here, he's got a rambler. His wife is gone. Once a man starts cooking, the next thing you know, he thinks he can live without women. And that way lies madness. And believe me, I'm not just guessing about this. You gotta get rid of the stove. Not that easy to do, edgar. The environmentalists won't let you just throw 'em into the lake anymore. I'd put her up on top of the van, go for a drive -- whatever happens happens. Parts per million, that's the secret. Lower the parts per million. Reduce the density. Break that baby down into tiny little pieces so it can be absorbed by the earth. Put a triple charge of number seven dynamite in the oven drawer and kaboom! (applause) you know, that would be kind of fun to watch. Sounds incredibly dangerous. Exactly. Don't have a magnet in your pocket or you'll wind up with 200 pounds of iron filings in your shorts... ... Again. (laughing) blow up a stove and romance comes back into your life. Quite possibly the stupidest advice I've ever heard. Well, of course it is, harold. We're just killing time here. That's for sure. Anyone who's restoring a rambler is beyond help anyway. (laughing) who would have thought two guys in home-made armour carrying wooden lances, heading at each other on a couple of pommel horses bolted to k-cars would be dangerous? I guess it was rough being a knight of the round table. Course, in those days they didn't have to worry about a tie-rod breaking. There was cars swerving everywhere. When stinky peterson's monk robes got stuck in that bumper, he went from being friar tuck to lady godiva. It made us appreciate the things we have today. Ambulances, stretchers, x-ray machines. Meeting time. (squealing) you go ahead. I want to get this off. I'm getting metal fatigue. If my wife is watching, I'm no longer king red. I've renounced my throne. I'm going back to being a serf and "serf's up". To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) here's here. Up and at 'em. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Well, here we are. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!